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Old and Cold

 Why do they call it "Old Man Winter"?

I suppose it's because no matter how young you are, Winter will always be an old weather phenomenon that affects most everyone.  (Fuck you, people in tropical climates.)  A lot of people romanticize Winter, and I too, would like to stare out the window while drinking my hot chocolate and get a fuzzy, cozy feeling about the beauty of Winter.  I would like to, but I won't.

I'm old, my old injuries and surgeries ache anytime the barometric pressure changes, I have to wait hours after one of my hot showers before I go outside, and even then I have to wrap myself up to look like a human burrito.  When I finally go outside with 13 layers of clothing, I inevitably run into some dick jogging in their short shorts, or some idiot on a bicycle headed my way and shouting "cold enough for ya?!"

So many times I hear people say "Oh, I love Winter and its magic!"  Shut the hell up.  You just like being warm indoors out of the cold.  If you really liked Winter, you would be balls out squatting in the snow raking dead leaves and branches, or clearing driveways for those of us taking shelter from your magical Winter.  I can't be the only one who feels like this.

The look on people's faces as they penguin-walk in the street wearing their own 13 layers of clothing speaks volumes.  At least I think it does.  When I can see their faces.  They can't see me through the masks, face coverings, and foggy glasses.  I hope 2020-2021 brings us all a magical Winter where we're not sheltering in place, stranded under feet of snow, stuck out on the road in our cars after sliding off an icy avenue, or flat on our ass after trying to walk a frozen, icy sidewalk.


Taking a shit in the snow can be dangerous because you run the risk of your asshole becoming frozen to the ground if you expose it. Play it safe and just shit your pants so you can enjoy the warmth of your own turds, if only for a little while.


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